Sedona & Grand Canyon: The Real Start of my Journey?

A quick introductory note: I openly struggle with anxiety and perfectionism (recovering perfectionist, in the words of Brene Brown). I know that I am not alone. I also know that my struggle and voicing my journey has helped many people. It helps to be the voice for those that cannot and to help someone realise that there is help/hope and that we are not alone. Also, I am a researcher, with a focus on mental health so it is easier for me to get people help, if they ask. Either way, I have been a great support and voice.

How Arizona changed my life, in facing my fears (false evidence that appears real):

I had never gone on vacation alone before, let alone travel to another country alone. I’m afraid to go on my own, a single woman travelling in the middle of no where. Yes, I am in my 30’s, but still, my anxiety. I don’t know how dangerous people are there and what if my rental car goes down? What if there is no cell signal or roaming? These were a few of the excuses that I gave to myself when my friend backed out of a planned trip to Arizona. However, I needed a break, a spiritual break. I was going through A LOT: over-worked, burnt out, tired, recovering from a bad break-up (another story) and needed to get away. My American friend/colleague told me about Sedona, it was a retreat, and encouraged me to “see the Grand Canyon at least once in your life.”

Long story short, I faced my on-going struggle with anxiety and faced my fears over travelling alone in the desert. I had to eliminate the non-existent “The hills have eyes”  scenario and meeting one of America’s active serial killers on the road.

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Soul Speaking…

Why can others “fake it” and just go on with what society and those indoctrinating us with the norms tells us to do. Why can they just do it? Are they even faking it or am I just different?

Play on, follow, show, perform duties, follow the “rules” or follow the order of how life is supposed to go, just follow a pattern, a set “guideline”…why not me? I have tried, many times. I have tried to follow the “protocol”. Failed each time. Why? I sit, contemplate, reflect, plan, and try again…repeat cycle. This useless cycle needs to end, how?

It’s my soul, I felt it today. I felt my soul telling me. My inner self. My soul. My nature. My God, I just realised. My soul has a need. My soul is speaking to me now. My soul is ringing and shining bright through the pain. My soul is telling me what it needs – what my soul needs for spiritual fulfilment. My soul has a unique need. We all have a unique need.

I will not progress – in any way – including spiritually, if my soul is left unfulfilled. Once fulfilled, my nature will lead me. Lead me to what I need and my purpose.

My soul will need a certain amount to move forward. As I move forward, towards my purpose. My purpose is my inner desire. Just breathe and listen. Give back, learn, teach, heal, create, love -> My part in this creation to progress. Then, help those that will need it most, including me.

Our soul craves the spiritual fulfilment that we need. We all figure it out in our own unique way. Not everyone is faking it, that is an illusion. If we do not fulfil our spiritual needs, whatever our individual needs are, we get sad…frustrated…and for some. thrown into chaos. In chaos, where nothing we do seems  to work or stick and that causes pain. Maybe the time is not right, a lesson on patience. Maybe that is not our path, another lesson. Through it all, when it is not working, there is pain. In pain, we listen to our soul when it becomes overwhelming. We cross the threshold to enter a new life.

In this world, we are in it together. Connected. We are here together. We all have our own connected soul and need. Listen to your soul when it is speaking…

Recovery – A Blast of Words

There are no words to express the feeling of simplicity, love, and connection that was felt. There were, are, paths to the one uniting us. The uplifting euphoria when I was given a gift in the form of you. In you, my spirit which already connected, was uplifted in ways I had not even dreamt about. In you, I saw your light. Understanding. Love. After all I had been through, I did not understand why – until I found you. Many have written before me, write now, and will continue to write about how being blessed with someone you truly connect with, true love, feels like a gift from the universe.

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Adventures of the Corporate Nursery

It was suggested by many people in my life, including my therapist, that I try my hand at having a blog. Apparently, I am funny and can talk about my adventures in a way people can relate to. Though I am not sure if people can relate to my stories given that those encouraging me are primarily my friends – They clearly ‘get me’ and love me no matter what. However, today, of all days I feel the need to share some stories about what many may face daily at work – Adventures of the Corporate world.

I have placed “nursery” in the title instead of world, because I often think I have dealt with children in a nursery. I have worked as a project manager and one of the things we are supposed to guide people against is babysitting – it is hard when managers are the ones who need babysitting. I am a nurturing lady, but can tolerate only so much. Maybe my many corporate stories can help me get through to the next stage of my career as I try to actually achieve my dreams, maybe it can help others, who knows?

First, the stories I am beginning with are from when I worked at a “third-party contract facility”. I will add a few more stories, more in disguise, as I get into other weird instances. I wrote this a few years ago, but was too afraid to publish…my perfectionism. This year (2017), I really do not care and will just go for it – publish with warts and all.

The first series of stories is from the “third-party contact facility” – We were the grunts that were hired to conduct testing of various kinds in the pharma/biotech/engineering world. I was supposed to (and signed on for) be in a project management role (previous experience in Pharma – don’t hate me; it’s all I knew in terms of industry. From the laboratory to project management to returning to university to back into pharma and then in/out biotech/pharma, hopefully somewhere less evil in the future… I dulled down my boring summary).

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