Online Dating: Please, Avoid Brownies on the First-Date

What do I mean when I say “avoid brownies on the first-date”? Why wouldn’t anyone want a nice, warm, and delicious treat to enjoy? Especially, a lovely treat while partaking in some fascinating first-date conversation pieces, such as, “what’s your favourite colour?” or the timeless “So, do you like your job and what exactly do you do for a living?”

I was about 23 at the time and did something daring (for me) – I agreed to meet a guy for coffee and a movie in downtown Toronto (I live in the suburbs and usually met people there or half-way). I was a bit smart though, I made sure we met near one of my good friend’s apartments, in case of emergency. Also, I say daring for me at the time, because though I had been steadily dating men, I had very little online dating experience and did not fully get a good look at the guy before agreeing to meet with him (bad idea, not shallow – you can somewhat assess a person).

Firstly, I would like to say that I wore my last pair of disposable contacts, something I regret to this day – what a waste of good hair, makeup, and contacts lol. Then again, it’s not like I am lament over shaving my legs for something useless, which is another story I’m sure many can relate to. For my brownie experience, at least I have a story for my friends who have laughed at me for years; well; at least my adventures bring joy to their lives. I am doing the Lord’s work that way I guess.

I met the guy at Yonge Dundas square, a safe and open environment, and the first thing he did was stare at my chest, openly. Now, at the time my chest was not really exposed nor was it that large (I was pushing A, maybe borderline B). I ignored it, because I didn’t understand what he was looking at with such fervor. I will say this, he was not my type physically and behaviourally, it was as if I was the first female he had ever seen in life. I didn’t want to be shallow, plus I already put in those darn contacts – So, we did go to the coffee shop, where I ordered a simple coffee while he had coffee and a brownie.

“at least I have a story for my friends who have laughed at me for years; well; at least my adventures bring joy to their lives. I am doing the Lord’s work that way I guess.”

We sat down for a bit of conversation and coffee. He proceeded to just act geeky, but not dangerous, so I was not scared and decided to give him a chance. However, I really do think that I was the first female he had ever seen, because he couldn’t really contain himself. It got worse; he decided to enjoy his pastry and proceeded to maul his brownie. He didn’t eat the whole thing, but most of it. That wasn’t the bad part; it was him then talking with his mouth full of brownie with the sexiest residue of brownie jammed onto his teeth.

Brownie Teeth

I didn’t know what to do, because I was younger and in shock, so I continued to listen while probably giving a traumatized look. He proceeded to have a lovely conversation with “full on” brownie all over his teeth – Later, when I told a friend about this incident, she said “well, that’s just rude” and that he shouldn’t be carrying on a conversation with a mouth full of brownie with brownie stains on his teeth. By the way, it looks worse than it sounds, you had to be there. I only advise people, please, if you are on a date, ever, do not eat a brownie – If you must enjoy a brownie, be mindful of possible brownie on the teeth stains. It is not a sexy look, believe me. It’s like he brushed his teeth with $h!t.

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Online Dating: Everyone has a “Calamari Story”

Talking to a friend:

A friend asks me about my online dating experience and how it is going. I lament that it isn’t the best, but not the worst either. With everyone leading busy lives, it is harder to meet people the “natural way”, especially in a chaotic city. I do add that online dating isn’t my only mode, because I have some champions in my life who are determined to set me up with a great guy, one way or another. Side bar: I started dating later in life, as it was not culturally accepted and harder for me when I was younger. However, I grew up and embraced my rebelliousness and openly discussed my discontent for anything arranged (unless it was a simple meeting, where parents then leave us alone – that’s a set-up and fine by me). Anyways, I digress…

So I asked my friend how her city dating experience was going. Like many other singles that I know, she is a hard-working professional and a decent person. We may work a lot, but we are good people. She vents about meeting “weirdos” and stalkers or the non-committal kind. I understand, but add that the online forum welcomes all kinds and we do not have the luxury of assessing their body language and mannerisms up front (like we would in person). I do add that there are some basics that we should look at when dating online, I mean look out for what to avoid – For example, if the man is top-less in his profile picture he may just want a hook-up. Side bar: I say similar things to avoid to my male and female single friends – I tend to be a savant for their love lives, but consistently learning with my own (to put it positively). I should cover “what to avoid” in another blog entry, because I want to focus on the “calamari story” here (stay tuned though…).

…you don’t want to date when you are feeling “icky” or weak or low, because you will attract vultures.

Some sage advice:

I tell her that we will both be ok, because every time we meet someone wrong we learn more about ourselves and what we want in a partner ( that is, what we want vs what we don’t want vs what we are willing to compromise on). If you burn out dating-wise, take some time away for yourself and do some self-care. I mean, you don’t want to date when you are feeling “icky” or weak or low, because you will attract vultures.

My “calamari story”:

Like I do many times, I tell her about some of my dating stories…the funny or disastrous ones what have a message at the end (like a 90’s sitcom). I tell her, before I met my ex-bf; I went on a ton of dates and opened up my mind and heart, with reason/instinct/self-respect in-hand. That being said, I met and started talking to a gentleman from England. We would talk and enjoy one another, because he had a fun sense of humour and I tend to have an English-Canadian/”Gay man” sense of humour (side note: I’m stealing that phrase from one of my favourite stand-up comics, Miss. Kathy Griffin. It means that I can take a joke and the comedian can “go there” without me being offended too easily. I love the art of stand-up and can decipher the difference between mean-spiritedness and a thought-provoking joke).

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Online Dating: Scary-A$$ Tinder Date in Ontario, Canada April 2017

So, this story thankfully did not happen to me. Instead, it happened to someone that my friend’s colleague knows. I know it sounds funny. Seriously, my good friend heard it and immediately left us a voice message in our group chat on WhatsApp. My friend is a nurse in Toronto and his colleague had just told him what happened to someone she knows regarding her Tinder date.

Now, before I begin, I must say that I Googled to try and find this story online – But, nothing so far. Also, I know the truth tends to be stranger than fiction. So, I am taking this story seriously in case anyone gets less vigilant using dating apps. However, it also seems too unbelievable to be true. But, just in case, I am sharing! I mean it’s a scary world out there, be careful! I know we are not in America, but Canada can be a scary place too. Update: Another friend found a similar story online, which took place in Boston USA.

Ok, my friend was working the night-shift at the hospital and he immediately left us a voice message. It was a story his colleague told him about someone she knew – So, she was talking to this guy on Tinder for over a month. They hit it off and went on a date last Friday.

“he was a good looking guy, early 30’s, intelligent, successful business guy, blah blah blah…”

Tinder Scare
Photography Credit PEXELS, free stock photo

During the date, they got along and hit it off even more so– My friend didn’t see a picture of the guy the girl went out with, but was told that “he was a good looking guy, early 30’s, intelligent, successful business guy, blah blah blah, whatever. Anyway, they were on the date and ended up kissing and making out. After their date, he offers to drive her home, but she obviously declines because this is the first time she has met this guy in person, on top of that she was going to be house-sitting for her parents.”

After the date, they say their goodbyes and she gets home safely, no issues (her parent’s house). She proceeds to start getting ready for bed, following her usual routine. When, all of a sudden she hears this strange noise coming from the basement. Apparently, her parent’s furnace had been acting up and she thought that was it. However, just in case she called her dad and tells him that there is something going on with the furnace. Her dad told her no that is absolutely impossible, because they just installed a brand new furnace and there shouldn’t be any strange noise. Well, the noise stops and she didn’t think anything of it. So, she gets into bed and falls asleep. Suddenly, the phone rings. She wakes up and rolls over to pick it up. It was the police. They tell her to get out of the house immediately and quietly, because her neighbours just called them when they saw a man breaking into her basement. They said they would be there ASAP.

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