There are no words to express the feeling of simplicity, love, and connection that was felt. There were, are, paths to the one uniting us. The uplifting euphoria when I was given a gift in the form of you. In you, my spirit which already connected, was uplifted in ways I had not even dreamt about. In you, I saw your light. Understanding. Love. After all I had been through, I did not understand why – until I found you. Many have written before me, write now, and will continue to write about how being blessed with someone you truly connect with, true love, feels like a gift from the universe.
Sometimes, family overrides gifts from the universe. For whatever their reasons, for whatever their cultural beliefs, the family can interfere if you let them. You let them. You let them interfere, after promising me the world. The usual. Maybe you got scared. Who knows? You never stopped loving me and being there. I had to walk away though. I had to walk away from something you said could no longer be, family first. That is OK, but I need to leave, you cannot keep me where you want me. Hidden. True love hidden in the pocket, until a time if ever you see fit. True love is not selfish, so this is not true, I need to walk away, to heal.
Before love, I tried to avoid it, but realised quickly that you cannot help who you fall in love with. The age old saying.
When the relationship is over, but your love is not, your heart shatters and you feel the loss well into your inner being. A connection still felt. Still in love. The deepest and most beautiful feeling experienced while alone. The euphoria and the fall – the inner pain becomes physical. However, in the midst of pain and love comes a soft light. In grief, prayers, pain, and love I saw a soft light. I realise the gift that was you, is a lesson.
Before light – No words, actions, comforts, or numbing techniques dulled the void. I could not run or avoid “feeling” for long. Eventually, with the loss combined with other life events, my emotional tap turned off. I was bombarded, therefore, like many people my emotional mind shut down when too much was happening at once. I see it as “nature’s system re-boot”. Your nature can protect you if you allow it to. Sometimes nature protects you without you realising. Nature protected me.
To get the light – I sit, meditate, breathe through the pain – focus on gratitude and take it one day at a time. Gratitude is supposed to shift your focus. Breathe. Some days are easy, while other unbearable. Slowly, the shattered pieces are letting the light back in. The light appeared through my shattered heart. The flicker of light, hope, was what I needed to ignite my healing. In healing, I realise that there is another path which I must take. Painful. Hard. Traumatising. Growth. Breathe and heal.
At this point, I am still stagnant trying to find my way back onto my path. I focus on healing from love and other traumas. Focus on light. However, the stagnation caused fear for a constant “go-getter”, “over-achieving”, insecure, recovering perfectionist such as myself. Whenever I “go at it” and try to tackle trauma – I keep getting knocked down, maybe I should listen? I stay stagnant allowing the light to heal me. Maybe stagnation is the stillness I need until I am ready. I will heal. Allowing rest for my mind. Just Breathe.
The mind allows diversions from healing to enter, but I bring it back. I will find the individual journey, path, that I have been searching for since I was young. This journey is beyond just love, it is purpose. I allow my mind to think and release. Listen to my inner voice. Listen to the universe. Breathe.
Ask once purely. Ask. I asked for strength and healing from what once was. Words of those wiser than me have said to live in the present – What has happened in the past needs to be released. Forgive. Move forward without the attachment or the pain. Forgiveness will help heal the pain or at least learn to live with it…in the hope that one day the brain will transform the pain into something positive. Lessons. The future is fluid. The present is the feeling and experience you have at every given moment. Breathe.
The harder days are shortening, it is getting easier everyday. Even during stagnation, stillness, I move forward. I am allowing myself to experience what I must, a rest period. I am letting the light seep in. Heal. Grateful for the rest and no longer fearing it. Choosing to see the positive, to feel the light. I never thought the light would come, but it did. Grateful. Also, grateful for the latest shift in my life. It is a shift, not cumulative traumatic experiences. The shift happened again, which is good, but I do not fully see it yet. Therefore, I will recover and release when it is time. Just Breathe. This is Recovery.