I found my Self-Care guide: Something I could’ve used in 2016

The other day, I found a self-care package (pdf) that I created for an overworked friend back in 2012. At the time, I had returned to university and studied something I had been passionate about since I was a kid (psychology, with a focus on research). However, I had an “adult life” before returning to school and had friends in the “real-world” still working in “real jobs” that were making them “real sick”.

My friend had reached out to me about his struggle with burn out. I understood, since I’d had been dealing with burn-out prior to returning to university (part of my 1st re-birth, totally separate story – quick summary: I did what I wanted, even when other’s warned me not to. I did it, loved it, succeeded on my terms, and came out a stronger and better human).

“I had an “adult life” before returning to school and had friends in the “real-world” still working in “real jobs” that were making them “real sick”.”

In 2012, I created a quick and very draft self-care guide for my friend and he really loved it. I remember that I sent it out to other over-worked friends for use and feedback. The draft remained, because the people who used it like it as is and I didn’t have time to update anything. Then, I forgot. In 2013, I was finishing my thesis and started working full-time again. I forgot everything for a while. In retrospect, that was probably my first mistake, I should’ve trusted my new life instead of going back with the intent of money and security.

Fast forward 2017…

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Recovery – A Blast of Words

There are no words to express the feeling of simplicity, love, and connection that was felt. There were, are, paths to the one uniting us. The uplifting euphoria when I was given a gift in the form of you. In you, my spirit which already connected, was uplifted in ways I had not even dreamt about. In you, I saw your light. Understanding. Love. After all I had been through, I did not understand why – until I found you. Many have written before me, write now, and will continue to write about how being blessed with someone you truly connect with, true love, feels like a gift from the universe.

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20170728_110350Not the way others see them. Not the meaning they have for people I know. Instead, a meaning deeply connected within me and my reality. Always pretty, but never the meaning placed on them by others. Instead, spirit trying to get my attention. I wouldn’t pay attention in any other way. I needed the butterfly to fly into my face. I needed the butterfly to bump into me, continuously. I needed 2 butterflies to fly alongside me while I was walking, then again, when I was passing them by on a train.

I had watched a short dialogue had by a gentleman that I had recently been inspired by. He talked about his butterfly story and how strange it was. A coincidence. Strange.

How can an insect the size of a monarch, with its fragile wings, travel such great distances? How does it know the course? Nature. It is designed and adapted to make a long journey. It innately knows movement.

If a tiny butterfly can flow and move about with nature. Then, why can’t I?

I am complex, with the highest level of cognitive abilities. Should I not trust my nature? To ebb and flow with my path, effortlessly, easily. To move. To trust. To find my flow patterns.

Lost and challenged. Time. Faith. Breathing.

I see butterflies just before a shift. My subconscious mind sees them. My reality.

I asked for a sign in my meditative state. I forget and move forward.

The butterflies must make themselves known, blatantly, to get my attention. Following me, banging into windows, slamming into me continuously, flying and landing on a flower I’m admiring, flowing with nature along the grassy path I’m grateful to be walking along. I get it. I hear you.

Never superstitious. Never losing my mind. Never believing in charlatans. Instead, trusting my knowledge and instinct. Trusting nature and marvelling at its grandeur. In love. Love flows through me. I see you. I know you’re there. I know love is returned. I know that you never left. I know I’m on the right path. To serve my purpose. To serve. To love. To heal.

I know. I feel. I heal.

Butterfly. The pain of chrysalis. Fear not the process of change. Trust in your own nature. Let it go. Breath. When the timing is right, you will be free. Another form, another shift, another purpose. Another adventure as a new me.


Thank you.


Gutted. Love.

I still feel you sometimes. It is out of no where, unprovoked. I move forward, into my stillness. Into my creativity. The artist feels. The artist delves deeply.

It is a sunny day, beautiful. I am very grateful. Then, I see a butterfly. Grateful still. I say a silent prayer of thanks. Soaking in the sunlight. Free.

Then, out of the inner recesses of my mind, you come. I see you. I feel you. It is not a memory, because those I am prepared for and ready to combat that. Like a steady warrior, I know how to slay the memories. As a warrior, not fully prepared for you to come back in spirit. Suddenly gutted. Unable to breathe. On the verge of tears. Fighting.

Deep shallow breaths. Get back control. Shame. Why do you do that to me still? Why is there an impact? Racing. About to lose control.

Then, prayer. Mediation. No mantra, only wholeness.




I still love you. I need to be honest and free. Then, the shame will go away and the light will get in further. I still love you, I will always love you. A part of me will always love you, anyway. Until, I remain honest and allow the feeling to come in and go through me. Until, I feel everything fully and with honesty…I will not feel the rainbow after the rain.

I asked for full healing and progress. I asked to be my full self. The universe delivered.

I heal, still healing. Mostly light, mostly whole. Just a little bit left, but I am still moving forward. Knowing, that one day you will no longer have this power over me. You will no longer have a hold on my heart. Soul attached. Soul in love. It’s deeper this time. He won’t let you go this easily. But, he doesn’t know that I’m a warrior. I will be free.

There is another, worthy, more loving. Gratitude. Freedom. Love of self and another, again.

My Northern Star…

My journey of trusting the universe and using my northern star to guide me on my next adventure…

Screenshot_2017-07-26-21-08-47-1Today, I did something that I have been meaning to do for a long time. Today, I finally managed to download a book I wanted from Audibles, called “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck.

You see, I’m part of a book club that meets monthly, to discuss meaningful books that will propel ourselves and our minds. This book was one of the recommendations, but we never read.

I’ve been lost for a while and going back into what I know career-wise – pharma/biotech. This is not a fun or fulfilling career, but it pays well and is secure (very tempting, safety…security…illusion…delusion…as I make myself sick). I won’t get into it here, but I’ve had several set-backs over the years, as if the universe was telling me something. The universe was telling me exactly what my inner consciousness was trying to tell me, but I was too afraid to face: I need a major career change. One far away from the psychopaths that lurk in pharma, which is another story altogether.

I always knew that I was different and did not conform to my cultural norms. I walk and walked alone…it was way harder when I was younger. Therefore, it should not be hard to be different and not conform to the need for the illusion of security…right? Ah, but when there’s a sense of security involved, it is tougher.

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Online Dating: Don’t lie about who you are, people will notice!

So, this was my first ever online meet-up experience. In this case, I did exchange pictures and talk to him over the phone. A bit about him: he claimed to have immigrated to Canada when he was 2 years old, was 5’11’’, fit, and successful at his job.

“…we met at a local coffee shop on a nice sunny summer day. When I got there, the only problem was that I did not recognize him.”

Well, we met at a local coffee shop on a nice sunny summer day. When I got there, the only problem was that I did not recognize him.

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Online Dating: Please, Avoid Brownies on the First-Date

What do I mean when I say “avoid brownies on the first-date”? Why wouldn’t anyone want a nice, warm, and delicious treat to enjoy? Especially, a lovely treat while partaking in some fascinating first-date conversation pieces, such as, “what’s your favourite colour?” or the timeless “So, do you like your job and what exactly do you do for a living?”

I was about 23 at the time and did something daring (for me) – I agreed to meet a guy for coffee and a movie in downtown Toronto (I live in the suburbs and usually met people there or half-way). I was a bit smart though, I made sure we met near one of my good friend’s apartments, in case of emergency. Also, I say daring for me at the time, because though I had been steadily dating men, I had very little online dating experience and did not fully get a good look at the guy before agreeing to meet with him (bad idea, not shallow – you can somewhat assess a person).

Firstly, I would like to say that I wore my last pair of disposable contacts, something I regret to this day – what a waste of good hair, makeup, and contacts lol. Then again, it’s not like I am lament over shaving my legs for something useless, which is another story I’m sure many can relate to. For my brownie experience, at least I have a story for my friends who have laughed at me for years; well; at least my adventures bring joy to their lives. I am doing the Lord’s work that way I guess.

I met the guy at Yonge Dundas square, a safe and open environment, and the first thing he did was stare at my chest, openly. Now, at the time my chest was not really exposed nor was it that large (I was pushing A, maybe borderline B). I ignored it, because I didn’t understand what he was looking at with such fervor. I will say this, he was not my type physically and behaviourally, it was as if I was the first female he had ever seen in life. I didn’t want to be shallow, plus I already put in those darn contacts – So, we did go to the coffee shop, where I ordered a simple coffee while he had coffee and a brownie.

“at least I have a story for my friends who have laughed at me for years; well; at least my adventures bring joy to their lives. I am doing the Lord’s work that way I guess.”

We sat down for a bit of conversation and coffee. He proceeded to just act geeky, but not dangerous, so I was not scared and decided to give him a chance. However, I really do think that I was the first female he had ever seen, because he couldn’t really contain himself. It got worse; he decided to enjoy his pastry and proceeded to maul his brownie. He didn’t eat the whole thing, but most of it. That wasn’t the bad part; it was him then talking with his mouth full of brownie with the sexiest residue of brownie jammed onto his teeth.

Brownie Teeth

I didn’t know what to do, because I was younger and in shock, so I continued to listen while probably giving a traumatized look. He proceeded to have a lovely conversation with “full on” brownie all over his teeth – Later, when I told a friend about this incident, she said “well, that’s just rude” and that he shouldn’t be carrying on a conversation with a mouth full of brownie with brownie stains on his teeth. By the way, it looks worse than it sounds, you had to be there. I only advise people, please, if you are on a date, ever, do not eat a brownie – If you must enjoy a brownie, be mindful of possible brownie on the teeth stains. It is not a sexy look, believe me. It’s like he brushed his teeth with $h!t.

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Online Dating: Everyone has a “Calamari Story”

Talking to a friend:

A friend asks me about my online dating experience and how it is going. I lament that it isn’t the best, but not the worst either. With everyone leading busy lives, it is harder to meet people the “natural way”, especially in a chaotic city. I do add that online dating isn’t my only mode, because I have some champions in my life who are determined to set me up with a great guy, one way or another. Side bar: I started dating later in life, as it was not culturally accepted and harder for me when I was younger. However, I grew up and embraced my rebelliousness and openly discussed my discontent for anything arranged (unless it was a simple meeting, where parents then leave us alone – that’s a set-up and fine by me). Anyways, I digress…

So I asked my friend how her city dating experience was going. Like many other singles that I know, she is a hard-working professional and a decent person. We may work a lot, but we are good people. She vents about meeting “weirdos” and stalkers or the non-committal kind. I understand, but add that the online forum welcomes all kinds and we do not have the luxury of assessing their body language and mannerisms up front (like we would in person). I do add that there are some basics that we should look at when dating online, I mean look out for what to avoid – For example, if the man is top-less in his profile picture he may just want a hook-up. Side bar: I say similar things to avoid to my male and female single friends – I tend to be a savant for their love lives, but consistently learning with my own (to put it positively). I should cover “what to avoid” in another blog entry, because I want to focus on the “calamari story” here (stay tuned though…).

…you don’t want to date when you are feeling “icky” or weak or low, because you will attract vultures.

Some sage advice:

I tell her that we will both be ok, because every time we meet someone wrong we learn more about ourselves and what we want in a partner ( that is, what we want vs what we don’t want vs what we are willing to compromise on). If you burn out dating-wise, take some time away for yourself and do some self-care. I mean, you don’t want to date when you are feeling “icky” or weak or low, because you will attract vultures.

My “calamari story”:

Like I do many times, I tell her about some of my dating stories…the funny or disastrous ones what have a message at the end (like a 90’s sitcom). I tell her, before I met my ex-bf; I went on a ton of dates and opened up my mind and heart, with reason/instinct/self-respect in-hand. That being said, I met and started talking to a gentleman from England. We would talk and enjoy one another, because he had a fun sense of humour and I tend to have an English-Canadian/”Gay man” sense of humour (side note: I’m stealing that phrase from one of my favourite stand-up comics, Miss. Kathy Griffin. It means that I can take a joke and the comedian can “go there” without me being offended too easily. I love the art of stand-up and can decipher the difference between mean-spiritedness and a thought-provoking joke).

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